Now what?

I know that I haven't been blogging much lately, and as my Dad reminds me, when people have no news they assume the worst. However, that is far from the case right now. I am recovering remarkably fast, and have had most of my restrictions lifted. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday where she effectively told me that my counts were good enough that she didn't need to see me anymore and she booted me back to my regular oncologist. Dr. Pinter-Brown also told me I didn't need to be watched 24/7 and that I could drive. Other than that, I can't eat sushi or SoupPlantation, and I really shouldn't be in crowds or around sick people. My energy level is already probably 60% of normal, and I had my Groshang catheter removed on Tuesday which allowed for me to have the first shower I've had in over a month.

Now, it's just a waiting game. I will have a follow up pet scan in 2 months to see if the cancer is still gone. I asked the doctor what my odds were, and she said that I have 50%, maybe a little higher, odds that I will be cured. Part of the reason I don't blog is because I am afraid that I'll just end up vomiting emotional crazy all over the computer screen. I work hard to keep the worry and fear at bay all day long. I try not to let my fear of what may be consume me. It's so hard at times to relate to my friends and family because they are just getting on with their lives, and I sometimes feel that I am in a never-ending purgatory. Of course, then I feel guilty for not trusting enough and not having enough faith to trust that whatever happens, God is in control. At the moment, it is much harder living in my head than it is living in my body. It's such a feeling of helpless desperation. In my head, I constantly think of the story in Mark of the bleeding woman who just desperately tries to touch Jesus' robes, and I understand her.

On top of this, my dad is having surgery next Friday and I can't be there for him. He has a mass growing in his neck, which is most likely a gland that is growing as a tumor. The better odds are that it's benign, but there is still a chance it could be malignant. They won't know until Friday. And there are risks of the surgery because of where it is, and I am stuck here convalescing in California. I'll probably get in trouble for blogging about this, but I am so very worried. People keep telling me to stop worrying and to concentrate on my own recovery, but that's plausible as stopping breathing. Hopefully, those of you who are in Dallas can pick up the slack and be sure and check on him. Be sure and bug him a lot. He loves that.

Anyways, I need to go and run some errands. It breaks up the monotony of the day. I've been out of the hospital a week, and Justin is already assigning me task lists.

Just keep praying for us.