Should have invested in Kleenex stock

I am very happy to report that I had a wonderful trip to Texas and I was a little sad to have to return to Los Angeles, but I was glad to see Justin again. If the title of this blog didn't tip you off, I'm sick. I either caught a cold from either my sister or my husband, and the two of them have been pointing their fingers at the other one. Although, I'm pretty sure it's just a cold, after my flem turned colors I decided to go to the doctor. It's probably a good thing, because my doctor informed me that people who have just finished chemo treatments have a tendency to develop bronchitis/pneumonia faster. But I'm being aggressively treated for this gunk now, so hopefully improvement is imminent. It's definitely put a cramp in my style, though. I have spent the past three days alternating between the couch and the bed. I need to get out and get some stuff done, but I just don't feel like it.

Meanwhile, I've been spending some time pondering my own character. Have you ever acted in a way which did not flatter you? You know, those times when because of stress or exhaustion or some other extenuating circumstances leads you to act like a jerk or an idiot or a meanie. I had one of those moments last week where I acted like a jerk/brat, and I wasn't particularly proud of it. I know that I am better than that, and I hate the pain that gets caused in those particular moments. The only thing I know to do when those moments occur is to repent quickly and profusely. Ideally, those moments would never happen.

I am beginning to look for jobs and for volunteer positions, but I happen to be unemployed at a particularly difficult time. However, I think these things will turn out as they should. I am optimistic that the next time I blog, I will be less flemmy. Here's hoping.

Bittersweet leaving

My visit to Texas is slowly winding down, and I get on a plane back to Los Angeles tomorrow evening. It is a bittersweet parting from the lone star state. I miss my husband very much, but I will really miss all my family and my friends here. I manage most days back in SoCal to no think too much about how much I miss home. As I get older, my sentimentality for home grows. It's less about the particular place and more about the people. When I was younger, I never could envision moving away from home and even now I have to wrestle with the ramifications of that decision. But what's done is done, and at least I have several other trips to look forward to this year.

The wedding was great. We had a good time, and I even think that we were a little bit of help at the rehearsal dinner. It felt great to be able to help my aunt and uncle out, mostly because I remember how stressful my own wedding was. If it made their day a little easier and a little nicer, then it was a success. Carter and Kathleen are now honeymooning, and I think that they will have a lovely life together. I'm glad I got to be a witness to their nuptials.
On top of the wedding, I also got to participate a little bit in the Oak Cliff Great Banquet Men's weekend. I got to serve breakfast one morning and I got to go to closing, so that was awesome. I never get to go to any of the banquet community events unless I'm in town to work on a weekend, so that makes me super happy.

Dad's radiation is going well so far. He is already experiencing some change in his tastes which has resulted correspondingly to nausea. We are pretty sure that it's going to get tougher as the weeks go on, but I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. He's worried about business too. The economy has been hitting his business hard, as it has for many in construction and other small business owners. If you do live in Dallas and you need any work done or know of anyone who needs work done, be sure and check out his website. It is www.mcclungconstruction.net and it is a fabulous website if you are looking for someone to help with your home improvement projects. I just keep hoping and praying that business will pick up. It's just so stressful for him, and to have that in conjunction with the radiation is a lot of pressure. So keep him in your prayers also. I suppose there are many of us around who could use those prayers.

So, if I missed you in the Big D this time around, keep looking out for me. I'll be back in Dallas soon enough. If I did see you, I'm sure we had a great time. And if you're in Cali....watch out. I'm coming home.

What is normal?

The after glow of my scan results haven't quite worn off yet, but I begin to turn my mind to thoughts of, "Now what?" This has been an odyssey of doctors appointments and treatments, and now I have to think about what it means to be normal. If there really is a normal. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that it's time to think about living life after cancer. Luckily, I am blessed with the time to figure all of this out. At least until Justin kicks me out. Hopefully if I keep him happy he'll keep me around. He takes such good care of me. He's a model husband, and I'm blessed that to be married to him.

Tomorrow I head out to Dallas. There are so many things to do when I'm there and so many people to see. I haven't been home since a whirlwind trip in early September. My cousin Carter is getting married and I get to be there. I feel bad because I make it back to some events and not to others, and it's not like I'm cherry-picking which family events I'm going to attend or anything. Sometimes its easier and more affordable to get home than others. So I'll be at Carter and Kathleen's wedding. As I begin to tiptoe my way along the road of after-cancer, I'll keep you updated. Hopefully it is a long road.

Sigh of relief

Thank you, Jesus! We are still in remission. My doctor is optimistic that this might be it, and we can start counting down scans until we can use the word cure. I am so very thankful for this, for prayers and comfort, love and support. I managed not to throw up all over myself in the waiting room as I waited for my appointment earlier, and luckily I only shed a few tears. It's funny, I knew that this time was different, but all the old fears and demons kept pulling at me. Clay is right. You have to have your sure footing before the storm hits, because you're up a creek with a paddle if you don't.

I wish I had more eloquent things to say, but I really feel exhausted emotionally. I'll blog more later.

Don't Panic

That's what I keep repeating to myself in a mantra. Don't panic. It's always harder the closer we get to the day. Justin's going out of town tomorrow, and I want to be upbeat for him, but I'm terrified. It's hard to concentrate, hard to get anything done. Justin keeps pressing me to call my doctor's office and ask that they call me when they get the results in. However, I think I'm just going to wait until Thursday. Sure, I know it's not completely rational, but neither am I at the moment. I am desperate for these results to be good for a variety of reasons. The first, and most important, is that I want to live. I want to be through with this drama and to move on to the next drama of life. I want to remove this stress from my life and the lives of the ones I love. I am tired of being sick, tired of being out of a job. My dad's birthday is on the 7th, and I want to be able to give him good news for his birthday, especially since he's having to start his own radiation that week. I could go on and on.


I just keep praying for God to give me the strength to handle whatever comes and to have peace with that. It is hard though. We'll see.