GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

I'M SO ITCHY!!!!!!!! Seriously. If you wanted to know a little of what my life is like you should know that apparently one of the symptoms is itchiness. Also another symptom is weight loss. I've only had one of those two symptoms. Can you guess which one? Of course, I itch, and the area around where they put my port-a-catheter in is DRIVING ME CRAZY. I am going to try some benadryl and see if that helps.

That and I can't figure out how to take a shower. No, the cancer hasn't made me stupider, but the port at the moment presents a challenge. They were adamant that I cannot get the dressing wet, which is completely understandable. The nurse suggested that I saran wrap the area in order to take a shower. However, neither Justin nor I have figured out exactly how to accomplish it. The only way we can figure out to saran wrap me in order to keep my dressings dry would involve basically saran wrapping most of my torso and, of course, that defeats the point. So, I remain quite funky (smelling that is).

I'm smelly, itchy, grungy. I feel so sexy.

Results

So, the port operation went well. I actually was conscious the whole time while they put the thing in. They gave me a lot of drugs to make me sleepy, but I was still awake the whole time. It's odd knowing someone is cutting you open and sticking something in your veins right on the other side of a towel. But it went really well.

Even more crucial, we got a staging today. It's not as good as we had hoped, but neither is it as bad as it could be. I've got Stage III Hodgkins Lymphoma. That means that it is in more than one place, and in more than one sector of the body. I have malignant lymph nodes in my neck, which we already knew, and also by my spleen and back. The good news is that it is neither in any organs, nor in my bone marrow. These are great things, and they keep it from being Stage IV. The bad news is that this will prolong the length of my treatment. We're looking at 6 months of Chemotherapy for sure and very likely some radiation.

How am I doing with this news? I'm fair. Not great, not terrible. Just fair. It'll get better, but the first day is the worst.

Taking a break

The pet scan yesterday went really well yesterday. It wasn't bad at all. For those of your who don't know much about it, they basically had me drink some radioactive water (to make my intestines glow) and then they injected me with radioactive sugars. After they inject you, you relax in a recliner and sit very still for about an hour while watching crappy daytime cable. (OK, I'm fibbing a little there...I loved watching TLC) During that time, your cells absorb the sugars, and the ones who are working overtime take in more. Then, they put you in a tube and they measure the photons that shoot out of you as the radioactive stuff decays. This set my insurance back 3000-6000$. They must love me. However, it is the best thing to get a 3-d scan of one's body, and I am very fortunate to have insurance so that I can get it.

In other news, I basically have been temporarily suspended from my CPE duties. Apparently my supervisor doesn't feel right sending a recently diagnosed 26 year old cancer patient up on the floor to be a chaplain. I can't understand why. Seriously, though, I think that she is looking out for me, but it definitely puts things up in the air with whether I am going to finish it. We are planning to revisit my returning to work after I get a staging and begin treatment so that we can gauge how well all of that is going.

So, that means that I have lots of time on my hands. Therefore, I am taking suggestions for things I can do to pass the time. (Minus housework) Let me know what you think.

Appointments, appointments, appointments

To start, I want to say that we had a wonderful thanksgiving this past Thursday. Our friends Mike and Cate came down from the bay area with their poodle, Brady. Marcus came down Pasadena. Candace, Zaria, and Nate made their way over to Simi Valley, and all of us joined Chase and Tom at Gabriel and Shannon's house for dinner. We had a great meal, and a great game of Cranium, and several bottles of wine. It was lovely. I took the opportunity to enjoy all of the holiday goodies, because I am a little nervous that it won't look so good at Christmas. Hopefully, I will be able to post our group photo sometime this week.

This week is full of appointments, and next week marks my first chemo. But first, we have a pet scan tomorrow. Then, on Wednesday, I will be getting my port-a-catheter put in, as well as meeting with my doctor. I think that when we meet with the doctor on Wednesday we will get a staging. I'm praying that we get a Stage I or II, but we won't know till then.

I am staying optimistic about it all. I hope that we get some good news, but even if we don't this thing is still beatable.

The thing that sucks today is that I am on a no-carb, no sugars, no dairy, no caffeine, no alcohol, no fruit, and no nicotine diet. Basically, I can eat dry vegetables and chicken breast. Oh yeah, and lots of water. YUM. And then I get to fast tomorrow until about 2PM. After the scan is done, I can eat whatever, until midnight. And then I will be fasting again until 2 PM on Wednesday, when my port procedure is done. This all boils down to one thing: I'M SO HUNGRY!!!! Seriously. I had to watch Justin eat one of those Little Debbie Christmas cakes, and I almost ripped it out of his hand and sucked it down whole. But luckily I am the master of will-power, so I controlled myself. :)

I'll let you know what the Pet scan was like tomorrow, so.....stay tuned!

Why "Chicken Fried Love?"

If you've been reading my blog there's a good chance that you probably wondered about the name. What is Chicken Fried Love? Chicken fried love is a phrase for which I give full credit to my friend Tobi. It was born of a discussion about the relationship between food and love. You see, when women in California want to nurture, they buy. When women in Texas want to nurture, they fry. We found that for both Tobi and myself, when our grandmothers loved, they fed. It was connected to nurture and love. Hence the phrase, chicken fried love.

I named my blog this for a few reasons. The first is that I think the phrase is hilarious. The second is that I hope this blog will be nurturing and therapeutic for me. Lastly, it reminds me of my grandmother's chicken fried steak and, come on, how can that not make you happy?

My Buddy Job

It always seems to go that as soon as I open my big mouth to make a claim, I am contradicted by life. I found myself assuring friends on Thursday that although things have been kind of crappy, that I wasn't in a "Job" place at the moment. I wasn't questioning God, "Why me?" I was strong, assured, faithful.

Then I went to the doctor on Friday, and by that afternoon I felt like I was Job. I found myself in the place of "why me?" There was some crying and fist shaking at the sky involved. I've had well-meaning friends tell me that all of this isn't fair, that I've had more than my share of suffering in 26 years. And I would be a huge liar if I said that the thought hadn't crossed my own mind. I can't help but imagining that my friends who are either on the fence about God, or who are total non-believers are probably thinking to themselves, "A lot of good God does you."

But in the midst of this all, even in the times of questioning, my belief in God doesn't waiver because there is no denying God once you have met the risen Christ. I am comforted that I have a God who allows me to question, to grieve, and to lament. I believe in a God who loves me and is sovereign in my life. Trust me, I wouldn't have the mental and physical strength to handle all of this without help from a higher power. (I could be WAY crazier :) ) I don't profess to understand why all of this is happening, and frankly, at the moment the why is not so important.

What I know is this. I don't have all the answers. I am not strong, nor brave, nor wise. But the mercy of it all is that I don't have to be. And that's ok.

A Beginning....or a middle.... or something

So, I've decided to start a blog both for my own outlet, and as a convenient information outlet for my family and friends. One week ago, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. That's right, I have cancer. Big suck. According to my oncologist, whom I met on Friday, I've got 3-6 months of chemotherapy to come (depending on the staging of the cancer.) The good news: the outlook is good. Hodgkin's is very curable. If you've got to get a cancer, Hodgkin's lymphoma is not a bad one. On top of that, I have the most humongous support system any gal could ask for. Great family, amazing husband, and a wonderful church family. If only I could have a dog it would be perfect. The bad news: I've got chemotherapy and radiation ahead of me for months. I definitely will go bald. (there goes my supermodel aspirations). I look very bad in hats. Trust me. And I might have to quit my CPE if I am not healthy enough emotionally and physically to continue. (Not to mention, the reaction patients might have to a hairless chaplain)

I am nervous about starting treatment that I start on December 6. The doctor took a bone marrow sample on Friday, and it was horrible. When anyone talks about how bad it is, let me tell you that they are definitely not kidding. Awful. Horrible. Terrible. I hope that the chemo isn't as bad as that. Of course, there is some humor in it all. The three major side effects of this stuff includes fatigue, baldness, and nausea. A trifecta of fun for my poor husband. He'll have a bald wife who is too tired to clean (not like I do it much anyways), and who is throwing up. Did I mention that Justin hates throwing up? Seriously. It makes him ill. This is going to be a fun couple of months.

So if you are a friend, I hope you will enjoy this blog for updates. And if your a stranger....well.....hello.

Blessings