Saturday morning I trekked early in the morning with my husband and our trooper friends Shannon and Gabriel to the annual American Cancer Society's Relay for Life in Santa Clarita. It's an event that is held multiple times over around the country which raises money for cancer research. It is one of those few places, other than your oncologists office or an infusion room, that you encounter multiple cancer patients and survivors with multiple diagnoses. It's a 24 hour event which had people walking around a loop continuously, and the loop is lined with different booths which are raising money by selling donated products or raffling things off or selling activities, and 100% of the proceeds goes to cancer research. My cancer center, UCLA Santa Clarita, has a large team and one of the nurses invited me to come out and walk.
Up until recently, I have avoided getting heavily involved with groups and activities which raise awareness and money for cancer research. Even after my mother died, I never really got involved with anything, and that made me feel guilty. You always hear about different people whose lives are touched by cancer, and they try and make a difference by starting a charity or non-profit, or running a 5k, or so on and so forth. However, I really never felt the urge to do that. Mostly, this was a selfish decision because I was tired of thinking about cancer. I just wanted to go and live in a little bubble where I didn't have to think about the stupid disease anymore and the havoc it had wreaked upon my life. Flash forward 4+ years, and I found myself diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I had kicked around the possibility in my mind that I might have to face breast cancer one day like my mother had, but I had never dreamed that I would face cancer again at 25. It seemed like I simply could not get away, and even then I had no real urge to get involved in any organization or fund. I just wanted to get cured and put it behind me. Then I was re-diagnosed.
I have slowly come to the conclusion that I will never exactly be able to put cancer behind me. It has left an indelible mark on my life story that cannot be erased, no matter how much I shun advocacy or Grey's Anatomy. Amongst the other survivors at the Relay on Saturday there were, maybe, 10 people who were my age or younger. That's not because we're not out there, but I think it's because we're afraid. You see, when you're 45 or 55 or 65 and you get cancer, you've already lived a good portion of your life. That doesn't mean that you aren't severely impacted, it just means that you have lived and had experiences, family, and careers and cancer is another piece of your journey. As a twenty-something, when we get cancer, we fear it defining our journey. I think we avoid walks and raising money and other survivors because we just want to put cancer behind us and not let it define us. We're afraid that it will be not only the defining part of our life journey, but possibly the end.
I've decided that it will not define me, but I cannot ignore it. I have to use cancer to my advantage, to help others and to be a better person. So I'm not going to pretend I'm normal. I'm a cancer survivor....and that's ok.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Drumroll please....
Tomorrow is my next doctor's appointment and I am extremely nervous. Of course, I'm always nervous when these things come around. On the plus side, I've been able to fend off the anxiety until the day before, which for me is a real improvement. I am hoping to show up and hear the Doctor say, "Everything looks fine," and make me an appointment for 3 months from now for my next PET scan. We've been praying about this for months, and I've been feeling really good. My energy is great and I've been working and working out. Justin and I just joined a small group last night and we are really excited about it. I've got my Final Assessment in less than 3 weeks. It seems like my life is really back on track, and that makes this appointment even more nerve-wracking. I'm just working on trust; trusting that no matter what happens that God is in control of my life. So instead of letting myself devolve into a mess of nerves, I am going to turn tomorrow over and instead work on my PIF (kind of like a resume for you non-presbyterians), and after that work out and go teach a lesson. It's cliche, but I refuse to let cancer have me. I am going to keep walking the way I am walking and trust that God will see us through this no matter what. Still, prayers are appreciated.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ode to a cat
I ask myself oh why, oh why
Does the cat so like to lie
On my stomach, legs and chest
And on my face which she likes best?
And why is it I find her hair
here and there and everywhere?
They're on my clothes, sheets and couch
and, whoops, just found one in my mouth.
I yelled at her and shook my head,
when she she used for scratching post my bed.
And I never felt such stress
As when she attacked my bridesmaid dress.
But when I think I've had enough
and cat-sitting became far too rough
The cockles of my heart she stirs
When she cuddles and when she purrs.
She killed a spider on the floor
And waits when I come in the door.
So it seems I've decided that
I kind of like the stupid cat.
Does the cat so like to lie
On my stomach, legs and chest
And on my face which she likes best?
And why is it I find her hair
here and there and everywhere?
They're on my clothes, sheets and couch
and, whoops, just found one in my mouth.
I yelled at her and shook my head,
when she she used for scratching post my bed.
And I never felt such stress
As when she attacked my bridesmaid dress.
But when I think I've had enough
and cat-sitting became far too rough
The cockles of my heart she stirs
When she cuddles and when she purrs.
She killed a spider on the floor
And waits when I come in the door.
So it seems I've decided that
I kind of like the stupid cat.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Check-up creeping near
I can't believe that it has almost been 3 months since the last check-up with my oncologist and that the next one is only 2 weeks away. I am trying not to get nervous. I know that I feel great. I have tons of energy and I am teaching swimming lessons. I am very hopeful that this is a sign that everything is still great. No pet scan this time, just simple blood work. So this blog will be short. I could use some extra prayers to get me through these next couple of weeks. I'm really trying to not worry about it and to give it over to God. I am just trusting that whatever happens is his will, although I will confess that I have my own wishes as to how this all turns out. In the mean time, I plan to be looking for a new dog. The owner of our condo has reversed her pet policy and allowed us to get a pet. On top of that, she's reduced our rent by $25 a month, which might cover the expense of a new dog! (Not likely) That's all for today. Not a very witty blog, but effective none the less. The next one will be better. I promise.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A time to mourn
Last night, a good man passed away after a long battle with cancer. His name was Kyle and he was a manager whom Justin worked for during his time at AV. I personally didn't know Kyle terribly well; we pretty much knew each other through the word of others. I only met him once, in fact, at a company party when he was about to start up another round of treatment and I (little did I know at the time) would be soon starting up another round myself. Yet, what I did know about him compels me to give pause and space here for remembrance. It moves me to give thanks for his life. He was a man whom my husband always respected, and Justin is not always an easy man to impress. He was a man whom people trusted, who was smart and a good manager. Justin always appreciated him as a person and felt that Kyle had his best interest at heart, something not always found in business these days. He was a man who loved fast cars, both in mini-racer form and in the full-sized versions too. He was a man, though he had never met me, sent me a book about women who were fighting and surviving cancer when he found out that I had been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was a man who was diagnosed with a rare cancer that is usually found only in tobacco users, of which he was not. And he fought it even when the odds were not good because, and this is only a guess, he believed that life was worth fighting for. I only knew him through his friends and co-workers, and yet I know he was a man who will be greatly missed, not only by his family but by his friends and co-workers.
I can only begin to imagine what his family are going through right now, and I know that no words will be of any comfort. Exactly a month from now marks the 6 year anniversary of my own mothers death from Breast cancer. If I allow myself, I can remember the gut wrenching, soul-shaking agony and grief of that time, and I ache for the pain his family feels right now. I know, however, that he will always be remembered in the hearts and minds of the people whom he touched, and that includes Justin and I.
I pray for him comfort and peace and that he is in the arms of the Father now, and I hope to one day see him on the other side.
I can only begin to imagine what his family are going through right now, and I know that no words will be of any comfort. Exactly a month from now marks the 6 year anniversary of my own mothers death from Breast cancer. If I allow myself, I can remember the gut wrenching, soul-shaking agony and grief of that time, and I ache for the pain his family feels right now. I know, however, that he will always be remembered in the hearts and minds of the people whom he touched, and that includes Justin and I.
I pray for him comfort and peace and that he is in the arms of the Father now, and I hope to one day see him on the other side.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A quandry and a query
Per my husband's request, I am going to bring a debate here to my blog. It's a stupid debate, the kind a husband and wife get into and go to others to settle, which will inevitably leave one of us (most likely me if history is any portent) will end up being "wrong". Mind you...this is a stupid debate, but if we could get some feedback, maybe we could come to some sort of agreement.
It's about our toilet seat. (Collective groan) I know, I know, if you're married, you've probably had some form of this discussion. Here's the problem. Justin was well trained as a child growing up and he always closes the toilet seat, cover and all. This would seem like a good thing, right? Well, having lived with girls most of my life, which means that there was not a lot of manipulation of seats, I have always generally left the cover up unless we have guests. We really don't have a problem until night time when I stumble to the bathroom and, half asleep, sit down on the seat cover and come to that realization just moments before a mishap takes place.
Now, I think that it's not that big of a deal for Justin to just leave the cover up, at least at night. However, Justin thinks that how he does it is the "proper way" and, therefore, I should learn to adjust. I agree with him that generally his way is the best way and that when I am in my best conscious mind I have no problem just lifting up the cover. All I am asking for is the night time. Just leave the cover up at night. Is that so much to ask? Seriously. I'm asking all of you. Justin wanted me to take this to the blog, and so we will respect your decision. Help us.
It's about our toilet seat. (Collective groan) I know, I know, if you're married, you've probably had some form of this discussion. Here's the problem. Justin was well trained as a child growing up and he always closes the toilet seat, cover and all. This would seem like a good thing, right? Well, having lived with girls most of my life, which means that there was not a lot of manipulation of seats, I have always generally left the cover up unless we have guests. We really don't have a problem until night time when I stumble to the bathroom and, half asleep, sit down on the seat cover and come to that realization just moments before a mishap takes place.
Now, I think that it's not that big of a deal for Justin to just leave the cover up, at least at night. However, Justin thinks that how he does it is the "proper way" and, therefore, I should learn to adjust. I agree with him that generally his way is the best way and that when I am in my best conscious mind I have no problem just lifting up the cover. All I am asking for is the night time. Just leave the cover up at night. Is that so much to ask? Seriously. I'm asking all of you. Justin wanted me to take this to the blog, and so we will respect your decision. Help us.
Friday, April 17, 2009
The worst travel day EVER
It's 12:39 AM and I'm in Dallas. I was supposed to be in Corpus Christi and hour and a half ago. But I'm not. Because today was the worst travel day EVER. Let me run it down for you. So. I had planned on getting up early and trying to get on standby to get to Corpus earlier, but that fell through so I went ahead and planned on taking my 1:35PM flight to Dallas. I didn't have any bags to check, so I left the house at 11:00. Plenty of time to get to LAX....unless you hit mondo traffic on the 405. Which I did. It took me and hour and a half to get to LAX. Now, I had planned on parking in the long term parking which costs 13 dollars a day, but since I was running so late I had to park in the short term parking which costs $30 a day. I rushed inside, rushed through security, breathed a sigh of relief and went to look at the board to find my gate. And I noticed that my flight was delayed to 4:35. Which meant I was going to miss my 8:05 PM connection flight to Corpus. Apparently storms shut down most of the airports in Texas for some time today. So, I went back to the car and moved it to the long term lot and took the shuttle back to the airport. I went through security (time #2) and looked at the board and saw that the flight had been pushed back to 5:35 PM. I went and stood in line for customer service (which was 80 people long) and began to wait. Then the customer service lady recommended that those of us at the back of the line might want to try the ticket counter. Since I was at the back of the line, I decided to take my chances and left the secure area and went to the ticket counter where I waited for another 30 minutes or so to talk to someone. I was slightly insulted when she asked for the next gentleman in line (me), but tried to take it in stride with the short hair and all and hoped that she had some eyesight issues. She was able to get me on a flight to Corpus Christi at 6:45 Saturday (which now is today) morning, which was great and I thanked her copiously, forgiving the fact she thought I was a dude from far away. I got back in the security line again, and was called sir by a TSA agent. That left me once again feeling far from pretty, but still I was focused on the task ahead...getting some lunch. By this time it was 2:00 and I hadn't eaten anything. I went through the metal detectors and one of the TSA guys said, "Hey, you're back." I told him that I hoped this third time would be the last, and I made my way to Chili's. At this point, I thought my day was looking up. I got a table after a short 10 minute wait, and ate myself a turkey sandwich. I tipped the waiter generously, feeling particularly gracious now that my travel troubles were sorted out.
I went to my gate, and I noticed it was pretty deserted so I figured that they had probably changed my gate. I went to look up at the board and discovered that my departure had been delayed again. To 7:35. However a flight which had been scheduled originally to leave at 3:50 and rescheduled to leave at 5:30, had remained the same. Highly annoyed, I went back to the customer service area and waited in line (with what was now becoming an angry lynch mob minus torches) for about 30 minutes until I could talk to a representative. While I was in the line, the flight was further delayed until 8:30PM, which would have meant I would have gotten to DFW at 1:30 AM, only to have to catch a flight to Corpus at 6:45 AM. When my turn with the ticket agent came around, I asked her (not expecting a good result) if I could get on the 3:50 i.e. 5:30 flight to Dallas, and by the grace of God....I did. She asked if I wanted an back of the plane aisle or window or a front of the plane middle seat, and I told her that I didn't care if I had to ride on the wing, as long as she got me on that plane. By this time, it was about 4:45, so I got my ticket with about 15 minutes to spare before they began boarding. Feeling relieved and hopeful that I was finally on the path to maybe, hopefully, on a wing and a prayer making it to the Saturday night wedding, I decided that I was going to reward myself with a Starbucks Signature hot chocolate. It's made of a blend of cocoas and skim milk and it is super yummy, and I went to the register and placed my order only to be met with the response, "Oh, um....I think we're out." At this point I laughed somewhat hysterically, told the young woman, "Don't worry...it's not you, it's me." She looked at me funny and I went to go and wait for my flight.
Finally we boarded, and I got to my middle seat. Which had a broken arm rest. As the plane was loaded, the window seat next to me was empty and I said, "To heck with this," and moved over to the window seat. To discover that it was broken and lay back on it's own. Hence, I slid back to my seat and let the standby passenger take it.
It's a small miracle that the plane didn't crash.
But here I am...and I'm hopeful that I will make it to my destination tomorrow. On the bright side, I got to spend time with my Dad. I made an awful lot of friends to day as I chit chatted with people in the 10-15 various lines I've stood in today. I didn't lose it with any American Airlines employees. In fact, the only person I really lost it with was Justin, and I've apologized. Each time I blew up. Which happened more than twice. Thank goodness he loves me (see...I told you in the last blog that it was guaranteed that you would fight). I'm a big proponent of making my misfortunes other people's giggles, so I hope you all enjoyed. And pray that Justin and I survive the rest of our travel. Corpus Christi here I come! (Maybe)
I went to my gate, and I noticed it was pretty deserted so I figured that they had probably changed my gate. I went to look up at the board and discovered that my departure had been delayed again. To 7:35. However a flight which had been scheduled originally to leave at 3:50 and rescheduled to leave at 5:30, had remained the same. Highly annoyed, I went back to the customer service area and waited in line (with what was now becoming an angry lynch mob minus torches) for about 30 minutes until I could talk to a representative. While I was in the line, the flight was further delayed until 8:30PM, which would have meant I would have gotten to DFW at 1:30 AM, only to have to catch a flight to Corpus at 6:45 AM. When my turn with the ticket agent came around, I asked her (not expecting a good result) if I could get on the 3:50 i.e. 5:30 flight to Dallas, and by the grace of God....I did. She asked if I wanted an back of the plane aisle or window or a front of the plane middle seat, and I told her that I didn't care if I had to ride on the wing, as long as she got me on that plane. By this time, it was about 4:45, so I got my ticket with about 15 minutes to spare before they began boarding. Feeling relieved and hopeful that I was finally on the path to maybe, hopefully, on a wing and a prayer making it to the Saturday night wedding, I decided that I was going to reward myself with a Starbucks Signature hot chocolate. It's made of a blend of cocoas and skim milk and it is super yummy, and I went to the register and placed my order only to be met with the response, "Oh, um....I think we're out." At this point I laughed somewhat hysterically, told the young woman, "Don't worry...it's not you, it's me." She looked at me funny and I went to go and wait for my flight.
Finally we boarded, and I got to my middle seat. Which had a broken arm rest. As the plane was loaded, the window seat next to me was empty and I said, "To heck with this," and moved over to the window seat. To discover that it was broken and lay back on it's own. Hence, I slid back to my seat and let the standby passenger take it.
It's a small miracle that the plane didn't crash.
But here I am...and I'm hopeful that I will make it to my destination tomorrow. On the bright side, I got to spend time with my Dad. I made an awful lot of friends to day as I chit chatted with people in the 10-15 various lines I've stood in today. I didn't lose it with any American Airlines employees. In fact, the only person I really lost it with was Justin, and I've apologized. Each time I blew up. Which happened more than twice. Thank goodness he loves me (see...I told you in the last blog that it was guaranteed that you would fight). I'm a big proponent of making my misfortunes other people's giggles, so I hope you all enjoyed. And pray that Justin and I survive the rest of our travel. Corpus Christi here I come! (Maybe)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Going to the chapel
On Friday, I am going to be traveling to Corpus Christi to meet up with Justin and take part in the wedding of our friends, Beau and Stacy. As someone who might be ordained in the near/distant future, I found myself thinking about what I would say to the couple if it were I who were marrying them and walking them through pre-marital counseling. What follows is the advice I would give the couple...if I left anything vital out, feel free to rectify that in the comments.
1. Be careful how you fight: As a spouse, you know every weakness, every vulnerability, every soft spot that your husband or wife has. This is not ammo in a fight. You should guard and respect that intimacy instead of using it against one another. When you fight....and you will fight, fight about the issue at hand and don't fight to get the other person back. The point of a fight is to resolve an issue, not to be right. Fight for what is in the best interest for both of you, not just for being right.
2. Live with gratitude: It's so easy to come home after a long day and be grumpy and take it out on your spouse. They are the person you can be grumpy with. Often that leads to grumbling about what the other hasn't done, or what they didn't do right that day. Instead of grumbling about what hasn't gotten done, or what wasn't done right, praise your spouse for what they do, for how they contribute. Let them know how much you appreciate all they do in your life to make it better and sweeter. Always remember to tell your spouse how much you appreciate him/her.
3. Think about him/her first: Instead on focusing on what your spouse can do for you, focus on what you can do for your spouse. This is the way to happiness. You should each serve one another, not in expectation of what you will get, but for the joy of loving your spouse and giving love to him or her. The giving yourself over to love your spouse is central to what Ephesians 5:25-33 is talking about. This world encourages you to be self-centered and self-interested above all things. If you value your marriage, I would suggest that you don't.
4. Try to understand how the female/male mind works: Your spouse does not think the way you do. They think in the manner of their gender, so don't try and force them to think like you do. Husband, when your wife comes to you complaining or crying about something in her life, she is not looking for you to fix it. She wants a sympathetic ear, open arms to hold her, and reassurance that she is safe and loved. Wife, when your husband tells you something, take it at face value. Don't infer a bunch of subtext into what he is saying. Generally, men are extremely straightforward. They generally say what they mean and mean what they say....no hidden meaning. Don't look for something that isn't there.
5. Find a church and worship together: God has brought the two of you together and you will make vows to each other before Him and all your family and friends. Putting God in the center of your relationship doesn't ensure that you won't go through storms in life. In fact, I can guarantee that you will. However, when God is in the center of your life and relationship, it gives you something to hold on to in the storm, a place to find calm and peace. Otherwise, the storm can and often will tear you apart. Worship together, pray together. That will do you more good in your relationship than a thousand self help books or special dates.
I'm sure that there are many more things I could tell you, but these are pretty big. They won't ensure a perfect marriage, but I know they help me to feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I look at my husband sometimes and I am overwhelmed with deep and amazing love. I know in my heart that God brought us together. He is my soul mate, and I adore him. I pray that after you have been married for years, you will feel the same.
1. Be careful how you fight: As a spouse, you know every weakness, every vulnerability, every soft spot that your husband or wife has. This is not ammo in a fight. You should guard and respect that intimacy instead of using it against one another. When you fight....and you will fight, fight about the issue at hand and don't fight to get the other person back. The point of a fight is to resolve an issue, not to be right. Fight for what is in the best interest for both of you, not just for being right.
2. Live with gratitude: It's so easy to come home after a long day and be grumpy and take it out on your spouse. They are the person you can be grumpy with. Often that leads to grumbling about what the other hasn't done, or what they didn't do right that day. Instead of grumbling about what hasn't gotten done, or what wasn't done right, praise your spouse for what they do, for how they contribute. Let them know how much you appreciate all they do in your life to make it better and sweeter. Always remember to tell your spouse how much you appreciate him/her.
3. Think about him/her first: Instead on focusing on what your spouse can do for you, focus on what you can do for your spouse. This is the way to happiness. You should each serve one another, not in expectation of what you will get, but for the joy of loving your spouse and giving love to him or her. The giving yourself over to love your spouse is central to what Ephesians 5:25-33 is talking about. This world encourages you to be self-centered and self-interested above all things. If you value your marriage, I would suggest that you don't.
4. Try to understand how the female/male mind works: Your spouse does not think the way you do. They think in the manner of their gender, so don't try and force them to think like you do. Husband, when your wife comes to you complaining or crying about something in her life, she is not looking for you to fix it. She wants a sympathetic ear, open arms to hold her, and reassurance that she is safe and loved. Wife, when your husband tells you something, take it at face value. Don't infer a bunch of subtext into what he is saying. Generally, men are extremely straightforward. They generally say what they mean and mean what they say....no hidden meaning. Don't look for something that isn't there.
5. Find a church and worship together: God has brought the two of you together and you will make vows to each other before Him and all your family and friends. Putting God in the center of your relationship doesn't ensure that you won't go through storms in life. In fact, I can guarantee that you will. However, when God is in the center of your life and relationship, it gives you something to hold on to in the storm, a place to find calm and peace. Otherwise, the storm can and often will tear you apart. Worship together, pray together. That will do you more good in your relationship than a thousand self help books or special dates.
I'm sure that there are many more things I could tell you, but these are pretty big. They won't ensure a perfect marriage, but I know they help me to feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I look at my husband sometimes and I am overwhelmed with deep and amazing love. I know in my heart that God brought us together. He is my soul mate, and I adore him. I pray that after you have been married for years, you will feel the same.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Never say never
Never say never. I'm going to make that a slogan of mine, because the sooner I say I am not going to do something, the sooner it happens that I end up doing it. I promised myself after I finished teaching swimming lessons for a church internship that I would never teach them again. Not because I didn't like doing it, but because I was going to go on to having a career. Flash forward 3 years, and here I am sans job in a terrible economy with few jobs to be had, and my health doing quite well. I need some form of gainful employment, even if it is merely summer work. So, today I went to my old boss and asked if she would be interested in hiring me back for the summer. To my delight, and apparently hers too, she is in dire need for a swimming instructor in my very area. So it looks like I will soon have some form of gainful employment for the first time in almost 2 years. To be honest, although I would rather have a church job of some sort, this will be much better than working at, say, Starbucks, and will pay much better too. Plus, since I have some track record with my employer, I know that she will work with me on my schedule and be relatively flexible with me.
Overall, I think it will be good for everyone. Justin is probably crying for joy right now at the thought of a second income, no matter how temporary that might be. The other upside is that my employer also runs a tutoring business in conjunction with the swimming, so when the major swimming season is over, I might be able to stay on and do some tutoring jobs. So....go team McAllister!
Overall, I think it will be good for everyone. Justin is probably crying for joy right now at the thought of a second income, no matter how temporary that might be. The other upside is that my employer also runs a tutoring business in conjunction with the swimming, so when the major swimming season is over, I might be able to stay on and do some tutoring jobs. So....go team McAllister!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Can tomatoes be willfully obstinate?
Today, I don't have any particularly profound thing to say today....just a couple of random thoughts.
To begin, I was wondering today if tomatoes can be willfully obstinate. The thing is, Justin and I have some stubborn tomatoes on our upper balcony. These tomatoes tend to do poorly when we are paying attention to them, and then they begin to thrive again when we ignore them. It has been months.....MONTHS....since those stupid things have gotten any attention. We've had near freezing nights at times. We've neither watered nor fertilized them. Yet, when I went upstairs to close the balcony door I discovered a live plant which was sporting no less than 5 tomatoes on it. Here's the thing. If the plant would just die, we could throw it out and start again, but if it holds on and keeps itself alive....well then we feel obligated to keep it. So there it lives, going on two years now.
I have to kidnap Justin early from work today to get some errands done. I am able to get most things done in day, but I can't get Justin's haircut for him, neither get fitted for his tux. Hence, the kidnapping.
Otherwise, I've had a very productive day. I cleaned off our downstairs balcony. You see, in an ironic twist, although I live in California, my condo complex does not have a recycling program. However, I try my best to be environmentally friendly in the ways that I can, so I collect my bottles and cans and I make a point to take them to the recycling place. Most of the time when I get a full bucket of recyclables I take them to the recycling center, but I haven't done that for over 3 months, and so today I had to pay the piper. I spent 30 minutes sorting the aluminum from the glass and bottles so that I could get my money back. I made $10.30! Of course, then I remembered that I am not really making money, but getting money refunded that I've already paid. I also used my cloth grocery bags. I try to do my part.
Anyways, those are my thought for today. Breathtaking, aren't they?
To begin, I was wondering today if tomatoes can be willfully obstinate. The thing is, Justin and I have some stubborn tomatoes on our upper balcony. These tomatoes tend to do poorly when we are paying attention to them, and then they begin to thrive again when we ignore them. It has been months.....MONTHS....since those stupid things have gotten any attention. We've had near freezing nights at times. We've neither watered nor fertilized them. Yet, when I went upstairs to close the balcony door I discovered a live plant which was sporting no less than 5 tomatoes on it. Here's the thing. If the plant would just die, we could throw it out and start again, but if it holds on and keeps itself alive....well then we feel obligated to keep it. So there it lives, going on two years now.
I have to kidnap Justin early from work today to get some errands done. I am able to get most things done in day, but I can't get Justin's haircut for him, neither get fitted for his tux. Hence, the kidnapping.
Otherwise, I've had a very productive day. I cleaned off our downstairs balcony. You see, in an ironic twist, although I live in California, my condo complex does not have a recycling program. However, I try my best to be environmentally friendly in the ways that I can, so I collect my bottles and cans and I make a point to take them to the recycling place. Most of the time when I get a full bucket of recyclables I take them to the recycling center, but I haven't done that for over 3 months, and so today I had to pay the piper. I spent 30 minutes sorting the aluminum from the glass and bottles so that I could get my money back. I made $10.30! Of course, then I remembered that I am not really making money, but getting money refunded that I've already paid. I also used my cloth grocery bags. I try to do my part.
Anyways, those are my thought for today. Breathtaking, aren't they?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Should have invested in Kleenex stock
I am very happy to report that I had a wonderful trip to Texas and I was a little sad to have to return to Los Angeles, but I was glad to see Justin again. If the title of this blog didn't tip you off, I'm sick. I either caught a cold from either my sister or my husband, and the two of them have been pointing their fingers at the other one. Although, I'm pretty sure it's just a cold, after my flem turned colors I decided to go to the doctor. It's probably a good thing, because my doctor informed me that people who have just finished chemo treatments have a tendency to develop bronchitis/pneumonia faster. But I'm being aggressively treated for this gunk now, so hopefully improvement is imminent. It's definitely put a cramp in my style, though. I have spent the past three days alternating between the couch and the bed. I need to get out and get some stuff done, but I just don't feel like it.
Meanwhile, I've been spending some time pondering my own character. Have you ever acted in a way which did not flatter you? You know, those times when because of stress or exhaustion or some other extenuating circumstances leads you to act like a jerk or an idiot or a meanie. I had one of those moments last week where I acted like a jerk/brat, and I wasn't particularly proud of it. I know that I am better than that, and I hate the pain that gets caused in those particular moments. The only thing I know to do when those moments occur is to repent quickly and profusely. Ideally, those moments would never happen.
I am beginning to look for jobs and for volunteer positions, but I happen to be unemployed at a particularly difficult time. However, I think these things will turn out as they should. I am optimistic that the next time I blog, I will be less flemmy. Here's hoping.
Meanwhile, I've been spending some time pondering my own character. Have you ever acted in a way which did not flatter you? You know, those times when because of stress or exhaustion or some other extenuating circumstances leads you to act like a jerk or an idiot or a meanie. I had one of those moments last week where I acted like a jerk/brat, and I wasn't particularly proud of it. I know that I am better than that, and I hate the pain that gets caused in those particular moments. The only thing I know to do when those moments occur is to repent quickly and profusely. Ideally, those moments would never happen.
I am beginning to look for jobs and for volunteer positions, but I happen to be unemployed at a particularly difficult time. However, I think these things will turn out as they should. I am optimistic that the next time I blog, I will be less flemmy. Here's hoping.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Bittersweet leaving
My visit to Texas is slowly winding down, and I get on a plane back to Los Angeles tomorrow evening. It is a bittersweet parting from the lone star state. I miss my husband very much, but I will really miss all my family and my friends here. I manage most days back in SoCal to no think too much about how much I miss home. As I get older, my sentimentality for home grows. It's less about the particular place and more about the people. When I was younger, I never could envision moving away from home and even now I have to wrestle with the ramifications of that decision. But what's done is done, and at least I have several other trips to look forward to this year.
The wedding was great. We had a good time, and I even think that we were a little bit of help at the rehearsal dinner. It felt great to be able to help my aunt and uncle out, mostly because I remember how stressful my own wedding was. If it made their day a little easier and a little nicer, then it was a success. Carter and Kathleen are now honeymooning, and I think that they will have a lovely life together. I'm glad I got to be a witness to their nuptials.
On top of the wedding, I also got to participate a little bit in the Oak Cliff Great Banquet Men's weekend. I got to serve breakfast one morning and I got to go to closing, so that was awesome. I never get to go to any of the banquet community events unless I'm in town to work on a weekend, so that makes me super happy.
Dad's radiation is going well so far. He is already experiencing some change in his tastes which has resulted correspondingly to nausea. We are pretty sure that it's going to get tougher as the weeks go on, but I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. He's worried about business too. The economy has been hitting his business hard, as it has for many in construction and other small business owners. If you do live in Dallas and you need any work done or know of anyone who needs work done, be sure and check out his website. It is www.mcclungconstruction.net and it is a fabulous website if you are looking for someone to help with your home improvement projects. I just keep hoping and praying that business will pick up. It's just so stressful for him, and to have that in conjunction with the radiation is a lot of pressure. So keep him in your prayers also. I suppose there are many of us around who could use those prayers.
So, if I missed you in the Big D this time around, keep looking out for me. I'll be back in Dallas soon enough. If I did see you, I'm sure we had a great time. And if you're in Cali....watch out. I'm coming home.
The wedding was great. We had a good time, and I even think that we were a little bit of help at the rehearsal dinner. It felt great to be able to help my aunt and uncle out, mostly because I remember how stressful my own wedding was. If it made their day a little easier and a little nicer, then it was a success. Carter and Kathleen are now honeymooning, and I think that they will have a lovely life together. I'm glad I got to be a witness to their nuptials.
On top of the wedding, I also got to participate a little bit in the Oak Cliff Great Banquet Men's weekend. I got to serve breakfast one morning and I got to go to closing, so that was awesome. I never get to go to any of the banquet community events unless I'm in town to work on a weekend, so that makes me super happy.
Dad's radiation is going well so far. He is already experiencing some change in his tastes which has resulted correspondingly to nausea. We are pretty sure that it's going to get tougher as the weeks go on, but I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. He's worried about business too. The economy has been hitting his business hard, as it has for many in construction and other small business owners. If you do live in Dallas and you need any work done or know of anyone who needs work done, be sure and check out his website. It is www.mcclungconstruction.net and it is a fabulous website if you are looking for someone to help with your home improvement projects. I just keep hoping and praying that business will pick up. It's just so stressful for him, and to have that in conjunction with the radiation is a lot of pressure. So keep him in your prayers also. I suppose there are many of us around who could use those prayers.
So, if I missed you in the Big D this time around, keep looking out for me. I'll be back in Dallas soon enough. If I did see you, I'm sure we had a great time. And if you're in Cali....watch out. I'm coming home.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What is normal?
The after glow of my scan results haven't quite worn off yet, but I begin to turn my mind to thoughts of, "Now what?" This has been an odyssey of doctors appointments and treatments, and now I have to think about what it means to be normal. If there really is a normal. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that it's time to think about living life after cancer. Luckily, I am blessed with the time to figure all of this out. At least until Justin kicks me out. Hopefully if I keep him happy he'll keep me around. He takes such good care of me. He's a model husband, and I'm blessed that to be married to him.
Tomorrow I head out to Dallas. There are so many things to do when I'm there and so many people to see. I haven't been home since a whirlwind trip in early September. My cousin Carter is getting married and I get to be there. I feel bad because I make it back to some events and not to others, and it's not like I'm cherry-picking which family events I'm going to attend or anything. Sometimes its easier and more affordable to get home than others. So I'll be at Carter and Kathleen's wedding. As I begin to tiptoe my way along the road of after-cancer, I'll keep you updated. Hopefully it is a long road.
Tomorrow I head out to Dallas. There are so many things to do when I'm there and so many people to see. I haven't been home since a whirlwind trip in early September. My cousin Carter is getting married and I get to be there. I feel bad because I make it back to some events and not to others, and it's not like I'm cherry-picking which family events I'm going to attend or anything. Sometimes its easier and more affordable to get home than others. So I'll be at Carter and Kathleen's wedding. As I begin to tiptoe my way along the road of after-cancer, I'll keep you updated. Hopefully it is a long road.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Sigh of relief
Thank you, Jesus! We are still in remission. My doctor is optimistic that this might be it, and we can start counting down scans until we can use the word cure. I am so very thankful for this, for prayers and comfort, love and support. I managed not to throw up all over myself in the waiting room as I waited for my appointment earlier, and luckily I only shed a few tears. It's funny, I knew that this time was different, but all the old fears and demons kept pulling at me. Clay is right. You have to have your sure footing before the storm hits, because you're up a creek with a paddle if you don't.
I wish I had more eloquent things to say, but I really feel exhausted emotionally. I'll blog more later.
I wish I had more eloquent things to say, but I really feel exhausted emotionally. I'll blog more later.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Don't Panic
That's what I keep repeating to myself in a mantra. Don't panic. It's always harder the closer we get to the day. Justin's going out of town tomorrow, and I want to be upbeat for him, but I'm terrified. It's hard to concentrate, hard to get anything done. Justin keeps pressing me to call my doctor's office and ask that they call me when they get the results in. However, I think I'm just going to wait until Thursday. Sure, I know it's not completely rational, but neither am I at the moment. I am desperate for these results to be good for a variety of reasons. The first, and most important, is that I want to live. I want to be through with this drama and to move on to the next drama of life. I want to remove this stress from my life and the lives of the ones I love. I am tired of being sick, tired of being out of a job. My dad's birthday is on the 7th, and I want to be able to give him good news for his birthday, especially since he's having to start his own radiation that week. I could go on and on.
I just keep praying for God to give me the strength to handle whatever comes and to have peace with that. It is hard though. We'll see.
I just keep praying for God to give me the strength to handle whatever comes and to have peace with that. It is hard though. We'll see.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Standing tall
I just got home a couple of minutes ago from my latest PET scan, and I can give people this advice. If you're ever going to have one, go sleepy. If you're lucky, like I was today, you'll be able to doze off during the scan and that makes it go much faster. Before I dozed off, I mused about the similarities between the scanner tube and the beginning of the Space Mountain ride. If you've never ridden space mountain, the roller coaster begins by ascending up the tracks through a tube illuminated by lights that circle the circumference of the tube. It's supposed to make you feel like you are being warped into space and it is frankly quite fun. So too does the scanner have a tube and spinning lights...but if you look into the light of the laser it will burn your retina, so that is highly not recommended. In other words, if you have a choice between the two, choose Space Mountain.
I titled the blog "Standing Tall," because my urge was to really name it "Fetal Position." My natural human inclination would be to curl up in a fetal position out of fear of my scan results. I know that there are better odds that it is going to be ok, but I am scared. I am trying not to panic. I just kept praying the whole time I was laying there waiting for my scan as the radioactive sugar ran through my veins. It's done though. Afterward I broke my fast at Panera, looking like a refugee. I was basically wearing PJ's and a skull cap, and it drew a little attention from the retired breakfasters that inhabit Panera at 9AM. The stares sometimes bother me, but to tell the truth I felt like a refugee. I felt like a refugee of the cancer war....bruised, scarred, but not broken. Walking through the restaurant, it's hard to relate to the people nonchalantly eating their bagels while I am erstwhile wondering whether the test I just took will tell us that I am cancerous or cancer free. It's one of those moments when I feel very isolated.
It probably didn't help that I stayed up last night and watched an episode of "Private Practice," in which one of the main story lines was about a girl who was dying of non-hodgkins lymphoma. I kept telling myself, that has nothing to do with you. You have hodgkin's lymphoma. You have good odds. You are going to survive this thing. But still, I would be a liar if I didn't say I was afraid.
Life is often about choices, and so today I will choose not to curl up in a fetal position, but instead will stand tall and live my life as if everything is going to be fine. I've got things to do, and a life to lead. While I don't know, I will assume the best. And that's all I have to say about that.
I titled the blog "Standing Tall," because my urge was to really name it "Fetal Position." My natural human inclination would be to curl up in a fetal position out of fear of my scan results. I know that there are better odds that it is going to be ok, but I am scared. I am trying not to panic. I just kept praying the whole time I was laying there waiting for my scan as the radioactive sugar ran through my veins. It's done though. Afterward I broke my fast at Panera, looking like a refugee. I was basically wearing PJ's and a skull cap, and it drew a little attention from the retired breakfasters that inhabit Panera at 9AM. The stares sometimes bother me, but to tell the truth I felt like a refugee. I felt like a refugee of the cancer war....bruised, scarred, but not broken. Walking through the restaurant, it's hard to relate to the people nonchalantly eating their bagels while I am erstwhile wondering whether the test I just took will tell us that I am cancerous or cancer free. It's one of those moments when I feel very isolated.
It probably didn't help that I stayed up last night and watched an episode of "Private Practice," in which one of the main story lines was about a girl who was dying of non-hodgkins lymphoma. I kept telling myself, that has nothing to do with you. You have hodgkin's lymphoma. You have good odds. You are going to survive this thing. But still, I would be a liar if I didn't say I was afraid.
Life is often about choices, and so today I will choose not to curl up in a fetal position, but instead will stand tall and live my life as if everything is going to be fine. I've got things to do, and a life to lead. While I don't know, I will assume the best. And that's all I have to say about that.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Resolve
As Lent began today on Ash Wednesday, which just happened to also be Justin's birthday I found myself contemplating my life. It's understandable, what with blood work tomorrow and PET scan on Friday. But after doing our devotional today, I decided that much of the time I've been spending lately on introspection and worry has been in many ways hindering my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against one being self-aware but there can come a point when it simply becomes indulgent. You can contemplate and fret and worry about your life and it's meaning and your hopes and fears to some extent, but at some point it becomes idolatry. It becomes a distraction from turning one's eyes, heart and mind to God. So I am giving it up. I am turning all of this over to God's hands, (in my human arrogance I sometimes forget that it was already there), and am turning my brain off.
I hate to announce my instinct with this whole thing, mostly because I hate looking the fool. My instinct, my gut feeling, is that this scan will be clear. But, if I say that out loud and I turn out to be wrong, I look like an idiot. But again, in the spirit of the Lenten season, which moves towards renewal and resurrection, I am casting off my pride and fear of foolishness. I think that I am going to be ok. There. I said it. And I suppose that one way or another I will be.
So, again, I will simply solicit your prayers. I will be in the scanner around 9 AM Pacific time (11 central), so if you've got some time on Friday, pray for me.
I hate to announce my instinct with this whole thing, mostly because I hate looking the fool. My instinct, my gut feeling, is that this scan will be clear. But, if I say that out loud and I turn out to be wrong, I look like an idiot. But again, in the spirit of the Lenten season, which moves towards renewal and resurrection, I am casting off my pride and fear of foolishness. I think that I am going to be ok. There. I said it. And I suppose that one way or another I will be.
So, again, I will simply solicit your prayers. I will be in the scanner around 9 AM Pacific time (11 central), so if you've got some time on Friday, pray for me.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Crunch time
I have been contemplating the ramifications of exposing myself on my blog and on websites such as facebook. Yes, I do have a facebook account against all my better inclinations. Recently, Justin and I were looking up some old friends, and it's amazing how easy it is to find people with a simple google. Of course, I am not arrogant enough to think that people google me on any frequent basis, and I suppose it should not matter if they do. Yet the lack of anonymity one could once enjoy has gone out the window. Fortunately I have found, upon self examination, that there is nothing on any of my sites that would cause me any chagrin, even the the examiner was, say, a future employer. So I will continue to tread carefully.
I haven't blogged much lately because there is little to blog so far. I would appear to be a poster child for recovery from stem cell transplant. However, more interesting days a comin', in the form of a new PET scan. I have blood work on Thursday and the scan on Friday. Then there is a doctor's office coming later on the 5th. Since my Dad's birthday is on the 7th (as well as Justin's dad's b-day on the 6th) I am sincerely hoping to deliver good news. I hesitate to say this....because I do not want to instill false confidence...but I just feel like this is going to be okay. I honestly don't know what i would do if it wasn't. However, I am determined not to have a panic attack as the days draw nearer. To tell the truth, I'll really be crazy come next Wednesday. That would be about the time when Dr. Black will be getting the report. Every time I go and see the doctor, my blood pressure goes through the roof. I have a bad case of "white coat syndrome". If you check my blood pressure at any other point, it is well into the healthy range.
I know that I haven't really given much of an update about my dad. He's going to have to do radiation, and he's not thrilled about it. The radiation, however, will probably guarantee that the cancer won't come back, so that is really good news.
I know I use the phrase "I hope" a lot, but I hope that I am clean...healthy. But I'll never be normal....how I was before. But I think I might be better.
I haven't blogged much lately because there is little to blog so far. I would appear to be a poster child for recovery from stem cell transplant. However, more interesting days a comin', in the form of a new PET scan. I have blood work on Thursday and the scan on Friday. Then there is a doctor's office coming later on the 5th. Since my Dad's birthday is on the 7th (as well as Justin's dad's b-day on the 6th) I am sincerely hoping to deliver good news. I hesitate to say this....because I do not want to instill false confidence...but I just feel like this is going to be okay. I honestly don't know what i would do if it wasn't. However, I am determined not to have a panic attack as the days draw nearer. To tell the truth, I'll really be crazy come next Wednesday. That would be about the time when Dr. Black will be getting the report. Every time I go and see the doctor, my blood pressure goes through the roof. I have a bad case of "white coat syndrome". If you check my blood pressure at any other point, it is well into the healthy range.
I know that I haven't really given much of an update about my dad. He's going to have to do radiation, and he's not thrilled about it. The radiation, however, will probably guarantee that the cancer won't come back, so that is really good news.
I know I use the phrase "I hope" a lot, but I hope that I am clean...healthy. But I'll never be normal....how I was before. But I think I might be better.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Little sprouts
Sometimes you know what you know, but you don't know it, you know?
I knew my hair would eventually grow back, but I've been sporting the peach fuzz with no sprouts. I began to think to myself, what if it never grows back? What if I'm bald forever. Pro: no more shaving my legs. Con: Little children staring at me when I'm in public. Pro: Low maintenance. Con: Poor temperature regulation. I decided within myself that I would take the hairless state rather than a cancerous one.
However, my fears were not founded because I have discovered little bumps on my head. I am sprouting new fair. Right now, it is just potential, but it is potential nonetheless.
It may not seems like much, but sometimes not much is quite something. Depending on where you are.
I knew my hair would eventually grow back, but I've been sporting the peach fuzz with no sprouts. I began to think to myself, what if it never grows back? What if I'm bald forever. Pro: no more shaving my legs. Con: Little children staring at me when I'm in public. Pro: Low maintenance. Con: Poor temperature regulation. I decided within myself that I would take the hairless state rather than a cancerous one.
However, my fears were not founded because I have discovered little bumps on my head. I am sprouting new fair. Right now, it is just potential, but it is potential nonetheless.
It may not seems like much, but sometimes not much is quite something. Depending on where you are.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Resisting the urge
I can feel my psyche leaning towards anxiety and fear; yet I am resisting the urge to give into. I scheduled my first follow up pet scan today for later this month (it's sad when the guy recognizes you when you call), and even thought it is 3 months away I find it difficult not to fixate on it. It's amazing how hyper-aware you become of your body after this kind of ordeal. Every twitch, every ache makes you wonder and can send a little shiver of terror down your spine. Whereas two years ago I had managed to ignore a whole year of back pain without thinking cancer. Diligently I work at the little daily tasks I am responsible for, reminding myself to enjoy now rather than worry about tomorrow. As for my health, I have more energy than ever. I feel great, I exercise, I can do almost anything that I want to do.
As for my dad, he seems to be doing well. He is feeling much better and is waiting for his appointment with the radiological oncologist. Since his lymph nodes were clear, I am really hopeful that the surgeon managed to get the entire tumor out, and that the cancer was contained. It looks relatively good so far, but my family has learned how not to count their chickens before they are hatched. In general, I try to be a realist tinged with optimism.
Speaking of being a realist tinged with optimism, I am hoping that I will be able to make it to my cousin's wedding in March. However, we are waiting for my next doctor's appointment to make that decision. We kind of got burned on buying plane tickets too early when we were unable to use our tickets to go home over Christmas.
I would really like to get to go.
And that reminds me, my uncle has been working really hard on a new website for their business. My dad finally relented and agreed that they probably ought to be out there in cyberspace. You should really check it out. mcclungconstruction.net It's a really good site, chock full of really interesting information. Anyways, feel free to peruse it.
As for my dad, he seems to be doing well. He is feeling much better and is waiting for his appointment with the radiological oncologist. Since his lymph nodes were clear, I am really hopeful that the surgeon managed to get the entire tumor out, and that the cancer was contained. It looks relatively good so far, but my family has learned how not to count their chickens before they are hatched. In general, I try to be a realist tinged with optimism.
Speaking of being a realist tinged with optimism, I am hoping that I will be able to make it to my cousin's wedding in March. However, we are waiting for my next doctor's appointment to make that decision. We kind of got burned on buying plane tickets too early when we were unable to use our tickets to go home over Christmas.
I would really like to get to go.
And that reminds me, my uncle has been working really hard on a new website for their business. My dad finally relented and agreed that they probably ought to be out there in cyberspace. You should really check it out. mcclungconstruction.net It's a really good site, chock full of really interesting information. Anyways, feel free to peruse it.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
An update
As they say, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...and so we don't. Unfortunately, contrary to the surgeons first assumptions, my dad's biopsy turned out to be malignant. It is cancer. Fortunately, it's a very rare but very slow growing cancer and we are hopeful both that the surgeon managed to get it all and that it hasn't metastasized. The lymph nodes were clear which leads us to be hopeful. Of course, this wasn't the news that we were looking for. I actually have permission to blog this from dad himself, although he did make the request that I don't solicit people to bug him like last time. I told him that I would consider the request.
Truth be told, this news made me tired. Tired of sickness and sadness. However, I suppose it's prudent to always look on the bright side of life. (No, there wasn't a Monty Python marathon on BBC America this weekend. Sometimes it just creeps into the vernacular... I'm a lumberjack and all that jazz.) I am resolved to keep going, hoping, praying, and trusting that all of this will work out according to God's plans.
On a lighter and happier note, I have made contact with the National Marrow Donor Program, and hope to be soon working with them to help with recruitment drives. The guy even suggested that there might be speaking opportunities for someone like me, especially to churches, which is right up my alley. I am really hopeful that I can spend some of my down time helping recruit more donors. The recovery for bone marrow transplant recipients is really long and tough, and it just seems to me that they have enough to get on with in recovering without having to deal with great stress and anxiety waiting for a donor. And so I recruit. The guy I talked to was a non-hodgkins lymphoma survivor who had a transplant 8 years ago. I guess that once you go through something like this, it's hard not to want to help others get through it.
And so ends this blog. There could be better news...but there could be worse. So I think I'll be grateful for what we have.
Truth be told, this news made me tired. Tired of sickness and sadness. However, I suppose it's prudent to always look on the bright side of life. (No, there wasn't a Monty Python marathon on BBC America this weekend. Sometimes it just creeps into the vernacular... I'm a lumberjack and all that jazz.) I am resolved to keep going, hoping, praying, and trusting that all of this will work out according to God's plans.
On a lighter and happier note, I have made contact with the National Marrow Donor Program, and hope to be soon working with them to help with recruitment drives. The guy even suggested that there might be speaking opportunities for someone like me, especially to churches, which is right up my alley. I am really hopeful that I can spend some of my down time helping recruit more donors. The recovery for bone marrow transplant recipients is really long and tough, and it just seems to me that they have enough to get on with in recovering without having to deal with great stress and anxiety waiting for a donor. And so I recruit. The guy I talked to was a non-hodgkins lymphoma survivor who had a transplant 8 years ago. I guess that once you go through something like this, it's hard not to want to help others get through it.
And so ends this blog. There could be better news...but there could be worse. So I think I'll be grateful for what we have.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Dad's Surgery
Good news so far! Dad's out of surgery and in recovery even as I type. The doctor said that there doesn't appear to be any nerve damage, and that they think the tumor is benign. Of course, they still have to send it to pathology, but from my experience the doctors are pretty good about that sort of thing. Now we are just waiting for him to get lucid enough to take home, or rather for Marla to take home. There is something I need your help with, especially those of you who know my father personally. Word on the street is that he is planning on going to work on Monday against medical advice. You know, everyone goes back to do physical labor 3 days after having a 4 hour surgery where a doctor hacks into your neck. I am encouraging anyone who knows him to give him a call or email and encourage him to take it easy. He loves barrages of people telling him what to do. Basically he's now my hostage. I will tell people to stop bugging him, as soon as he agrees to take it easy.
As for me, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. My doctor has said that he's never seen anyone do better after a autologous stem cell transplant than me. I am way ahead of the curve, almost ridiculously so. He said that I've been a trooper, especially considering all the high dose chemo I've gotten. It's difficult and near impossible to explain to a doctor that you are pretty sure that you have had nothing to do with it, and that divine intervention probably played a much bigger role.
The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult for me emotionally. Even in the midst of getting better, I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for getting sick again. But, as a quasi-wise man told me, there is no preparing for it, so I might as well let it go. It's hard for even me to keep out all hope as the world around me seems to be basking in new life. All of our rain here in SoCal has turned everything green. Everything I encountered yesterday seemed to be encouraging me to be optimistic. My doctor was very optimistic. I received a little sign in the mail from my aunt that said, "Good things are going to happen." So, against my human nature and all the pessimistic bones in my body, I've decided to give up preparing for the worst. I'm going to live in today and enjoy all the good things that are in it. And if the worst happens....at least I had a couple of really happy months. But today is really good.
As for me, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. My doctor has said that he's never seen anyone do better after a autologous stem cell transplant than me. I am way ahead of the curve, almost ridiculously so. He said that I've been a trooper, especially considering all the high dose chemo I've gotten. It's difficult and near impossible to explain to a doctor that you are pretty sure that you have had nothing to do with it, and that divine intervention probably played a much bigger role.
The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult for me emotionally. Even in the midst of getting better, I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for getting sick again. But, as a quasi-wise man told me, there is no preparing for it, so I might as well let it go. It's hard for even me to keep out all hope as the world around me seems to be basking in new life. All of our rain here in SoCal has turned everything green. Everything I encountered yesterday seemed to be encouraging me to be optimistic. My doctor was very optimistic. I received a little sign in the mail from my aunt that said, "Good things are going to happen." So, against my human nature and all the pessimistic bones in my body, I've decided to give up preparing for the worst. I'm going to live in today and enjoy all the good things that are in it. And if the worst happens....at least I had a couple of really happy months. But today is really good.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Now what?
I know that I haven't been blogging much lately, and as my Dad reminds me, when people have no news they assume the worst. However, that is far from the case right now. I am recovering remarkably fast, and have had most of my restrictions lifted. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday where she effectively told me that my counts were good enough that she didn't need to see me anymore and she booted me back to my regular oncologist. Dr. Pinter-Brown also told me I didn't need to be watched 24/7 and that I could drive. Other than that, I can't eat sushi or SoupPlantation, and I really shouldn't be in crowds or around sick people. My energy level is already probably 60% of normal, and I had my Groshang catheter removed on Tuesday which allowed for me to have the first shower I've had in over a month.
Now, it's just a waiting game. I will have a follow up pet scan in 2 months to see if the cancer is still gone. I asked the doctor what my odds were, and she said that I have 50%, maybe a little higher, odds that I will be cured. Part of the reason I don't blog is because I am afraid that I'll just end up vomiting emotional crazy all over the computer screen. I work hard to keep the worry and fear at bay all day long. I try not to let my fear of what may be consume me. It's so hard at times to relate to my friends and family because they are just getting on with their lives, and I sometimes feel that I am in a never-ending purgatory. Of course, then I feel guilty for not trusting enough and not having enough faith to trust that whatever happens, God is in control. At the moment, it is much harder living in my head than it is living in my body. It's such a feeling of helpless desperation. In my head, I constantly think of the story in Mark of the bleeding woman who just desperately tries to touch Jesus' robes, and I understand her.
On top of this, my dad is having surgery next Friday and I can't be there for him. He has a mass growing in his neck, which is most likely a gland that is growing as a tumor. The better odds are that it's benign, but there is still a chance it could be malignant. They won't know until Friday. And there are risks of the surgery because of where it is, and I am stuck here convalescing in California. I'll probably get in trouble for blogging about this, but I am so very worried. People keep telling me to stop worrying and to concentrate on my own recovery, but that's plausible as stopping breathing. Hopefully, those of you who are in Dallas can pick up the slack and be sure and check on him. Be sure and bug him a lot. He loves that.
Anyways, I need to go and run some errands. It breaks up the monotony of the day. I've been out of the hospital a week, and Justin is already assigning me task lists.
Just keep praying for us.
Now, it's just a waiting game. I will have a follow up pet scan in 2 months to see if the cancer is still gone. I asked the doctor what my odds were, and she said that I have 50%, maybe a little higher, odds that I will be cured. Part of the reason I don't blog is because I am afraid that I'll just end up vomiting emotional crazy all over the computer screen. I work hard to keep the worry and fear at bay all day long. I try not to let my fear of what may be consume me. It's so hard at times to relate to my friends and family because they are just getting on with their lives, and I sometimes feel that I am in a never-ending purgatory. Of course, then I feel guilty for not trusting enough and not having enough faith to trust that whatever happens, God is in control. At the moment, it is much harder living in my head than it is living in my body. It's such a feeling of helpless desperation. In my head, I constantly think of the story in Mark of the bleeding woman who just desperately tries to touch Jesus' robes, and I understand her.
On top of this, my dad is having surgery next Friday and I can't be there for him. He has a mass growing in his neck, which is most likely a gland that is growing as a tumor. The better odds are that it's benign, but there is still a chance it could be malignant. They won't know until Friday. And there are risks of the surgery because of where it is, and I am stuck here convalescing in California. I'll probably get in trouble for blogging about this, but I am so very worried. People keep telling me to stop worrying and to concentrate on my own recovery, but that's plausible as stopping breathing. Hopefully, those of you who are in Dallas can pick up the slack and be sure and check on him. Be sure and bug him a lot. He loves that.
Anyways, I need to go and run some errands. It breaks up the monotony of the day. I've been out of the hospital a week, and Justin is already assigning me task lists.
Just keep praying for us.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Blog Reclaimed
If I must say so myself, Justin isn't half bad at the blogging gig, even if he is a bit reticent. I'm back! Did you miss me? There is so much to say about this whole process, both good things and bad, but overall I have made the start of a very quick recovery. In fact, multiple nurses and doctors who saw me the last few days have commented about how I shouldn't feel as good as I do right now. In your face, modern medicine. Seriously, though, the road is still long and arduous. I am suffering from fatigue, which is extremely annoying. I can do a lot more than most people in my condition but it is far below my normal standard. To add insult to injury, after three weeks of eating roughly 600-800 calories a day, I only lost 6 lbs while in the hospital. Typical transplant weight loss was one of the few silver linings of this whole ordeal, but alas, in true Katie fashion I have bucked the trend. The other negative is that my taste buds have been effected, effectively being muted. Everything just tastes kind of bland, which on the upside might lead to more post-transplant weight loss. A girl can dream.
I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers over the past few weeks. All kidding aside, the emotional, physical, and spiritual drain of this whole process is staggering. I am so very sick and tired of being sick and tired. But this too shall pass. Being home is the best. There is nothing better than being able to sleep the whole night unmolested by nurses. Even Justin is better than that. And it is very lovely not to have to deposit all my bodily waste into plastic basins. It is stupendous not to be hooked up to an iv.
One thing that it has awakened in me, however, is a real need to campaign for people to register to be bone marrow donors. I was very fortunate to be in a position where I could donate to myself my own stem cells for transplant, but there are many others who aren't that fortunate. As I write today, a lovely lady named Susan sits in an O.C. hospital waiting for a bone marrow transplant. She is in her early 30's and was just recently diagnosed with leukemia. Her best chance to beat this thing is to get a bone marrow transplant, but the fact is that the registry is relatively small because many people are either afraid of or unaware of how to become donors. To be in the database simply requires one to give a blood sample or a swab of your cheek. It doesn't require any bone marrow up front. I know that many of you have read about my unpleasant experiences with bone marrow samples, but it's different if you are a donor. According to the National Marrow Donor Program, "Bone marrow donation is a surgical procedure. While you receive anesthesia, doctors use special, hollow needles to withdraw liquid marrow from the back of your pelvic bones." So, when you donate you are asleep the whole time, and for a little while afterward, you are a little sore. Donating stem cells is even easier.
It's so easy to give someone else the gift of life, and I hope some of you might think of getting registered. It's easy to do; just go on the National Marrow Donor Program website, www.marrow.org. Thanks for sticking with me the past couple of weeks. I hope that the good news keeps on rolling.
I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers over the past few weeks. All kidding aside, the emotional, physical, and spiritual drain of this whole process is staggering. I am so very sick and tired of being sick and tired. But this too shall pass. Being home is the best. There is nothing better than being able to sleep the whole night unmolested by nurses. Even Justin is better than that. And it is very lovely not to have to deposit all my bodily waste into plastic basins. It is stupendous not to be hooked up to an iv.
One thing that it has awakened in me, however, is a real need to campaign for people to register to be bone marrow donors. I was very fortunate to be in a position where I could donate to myself my own stem cells for transplant, but there are many others who aren't that fortunate. As I write today, a lovely lady named Susan sits in an O.C. hospital waiting for a bone marrow transplant. She is in her early 30's and was just recently diagnosed with leukemia. Her best chance to beat this thing is to get a bone marrow transplant, but the fact is that the registry is relatively small because many people are either afraid of or unaware of how to become donors. To be in the database simply requires one to give a blood sample or a swab of your cheek. It doesn't require any bone marrow up front. I know that many of you have read about my unpleasant experiences with bone marrow samples, but it's different if you are a donor. According to the National Marrow Donor Program, "Bone marrow donation is a surgical procedure. While you receive anesthesia, doctors use special, hollow needles to withdraw liquid marrow from the back of your pelvic bones." So, when you donate you are asleep the whole time, and for a little while afterward, you are a little sore. Donating stem cells is even easier.
It's so easy to give someone else the gift of life, and I hope some of you might think of getting registered. It's easy to do; just go on the National Marrow Donor Program website, www.marrow.org. Thanks for sticking with me the past couple of weeks. I hope that the good news keeps on rolling.
Katie's Home!
About noon on Tuesday, Katie woke up from a nap and her mouth and throat felt fine. Wednesday her counts were up to 0.8 (from a low of 0.13), and this morning the White Cell Count was over 2.0! The ANC was up to 1.2, so after some consultation with the team of doctors and Katie dancing a jig as we walked around the floor that morning, they decided she was well enough to send home.
Some other good news: we found out during the discharge training today that Katie is no longer on a strict low-bacteria diet. We had thought this would be something she would have to keep to for 3-6 months, but in fact the list of things she can't eat is limited to raw meat and C grade restaurants. This is all very good news.
I started this post on Thursday while Katie was sitting in traffic on her way from the Hospital, and stopped when I realized I might upset her by spilling the good news myself. But, after 2 days of begging her to post, here we are. So I think I'll acquire this blog for my own use until a time at which she decides to reclaim it. We can all think of the good reasons she hasn't posted - relearning her way around our 700 square feet after a long hiatus, learning to walk to the Kitchen for food instead of calling for room service (or hypothetically having someone call room service for her), all of these can be daunting tasks for someone in her (ahem) fragile condition. Maybe tomorrow we'll work on her relearning where the computer is and you'll possibly get an update from the source.
All jokes aside, she's doing great and feeling better each day. Some have asked whether the procedure was a success; we won't know the true results for many months to come, but we do know that it went about as well as possible, so we're trusting that the cancer is completely gone. Continuing prayers in this direction are always appreciated.
Some other good news: we found out during the discharge training today that Katie is no longer on a strict low-bacteria diet. We had thought this would be something she would have to keep to for 3-6 months, but in fact the list of things she can't eat is limited to raw meat and C grade restaurants. This is all very good news.
I started this post on Thursday while Katie was sitting in traffic on her way from the Hospital, and stopped when I realized I might upset her by spilling the good news myself. But, after 2 days of begging her to post, here we are. So I think I'll acquire this blog for my own use until a time at which she decides to reclaim it. We can all think of the good reasons she hasn't posted - relearning her way around our 700 square feet after a long hiatus, learning to walk to the Kitchen for food instead of calling for room service (or hypothetically having someone call room service for her), all of these can be daunting tasks for someone in her (ahem) fragile condition. Maybe tomorrow we'll work on her relearning where the computer is and you'll possibly get an update from the source.
All jokes aside, she's doing great and feeling better each day. Some have asked whether the procedure was a success; we won't know the true results for many months to come, but we do know that it went about as well as possible, so we're trusting that the cancer is completely gone. Continuing prayers in this direction are always appreciated.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Slow and Steady
Hi folks, Justin here. I'm sure my post won't be nearly as entertaining or inspirational as Katie's, but I thought people might like an update.
Katie's finally been feeling the full effects of the last chemotherapy over the past few days so she hasn't felt like doing much. Post chemo, she had a successful stem cell transplant on December 30, and has been recovering since. Her blood counts had a slight recovery after the transplant, but have dropped considerably since (as expected) and are now all but zero. A normal person has 5-10 billion white blood cells per liter of their blood, right now Katie has a measly 130 million. Of course the red blood cells and platelets are taking their toll too, so she's had to have a transfusion or two to keep those values to a reasonable level. This condition is likely to last anywhere from 5-10 days, at which point the counts will start to increase as her body starts to make cells once again.
Right now, the biggest issue Katie's facing are some mouth and throat sores that are making it difficult to eat or talk, and generally making her pretty uncomfortable. She's been given some medication to help out, but if you've called her and she hasn't answered it's because it's really painful to talk. I mean, we all know she likes to screen our calls, but this time she has a pretty good excuse. Over the next week or so the doctors and nurses will be watching her very closely for any signs of illness or infection as she basically has no immune system and is very susceptible during this time. They expect that she'll get at least one infection, but that's why she's there.
A number of people have asked if there's anything they can send or do. Right now we just need your prayers. Katie has a good arsenal of books and satellite TV, which is about all she feels like doing right now when she is awake. If you call, understand that we may not answer. Feel free to send emails, but know that she's only checking sporadically as she feels well enough. Right now she just wants to get through this and get on to the recovery stage at home. The timing is pretty up in the air right now and depends on how fast the counts recover (as with everything in this process, there's no room for planning), but we're hoping she can come home sometime next week. Thanks for all of your prayers.
Katie's finally been feeling the full effects of the last chemotherapy over the past few days so she hasn't felt like doing much. Post chemo, she had a successful stem cell transplant on December 30, and has been recovering since. Her blood counts had a slight recovery after the transplant, but have dropped considerably since (as expected) and are now all but zero. A normal person has 5-10 billion white blood cells per liter of their blood, right now Katie has a measly 130 million. Of course the red blood cells and platelets are taking their toll too, so she's had to have a transfusion or two to keep those values to a reasonable level. This condition is likely to last anywhere from 5-10 days, at which point the counts will start to increase as her body starts to make cells once again.
Right now, the biggest issue Katie's facing are some mouth and throat sores that are making it difficult to eat or talk, and generally making her pretty uncomfortable. She's been given some medication to help out, but if you've called her and she hasn't answered it's because it's really painful to talk. I mean, we all know she likes to screen our calls, but this time she has a pretty good excuse. Over the next week or so the doctors and nurses will be watching her very closely for any signs of illness or infection as she basically has no immune system and is very susceptible during this time. They expect that she'll get at least one infection, but that's why she's there.
A number of people have asked if there's anything they can send or do. Right now we just need your prayers. Katie has a good arsenal of books and satellite TV, which is about all she feels like doing right now when she is awake. If you call, understand that we may not answer. Feel free to send emails, but know that she's only checking sporadically as she feels well enough. Right now she just wants to get through this and get on to the recovery stage at home. The timing is pretty up in the air right now and depends on how fast the counts recover (as with everything in this process, there's no room for planning), but we're hoping she can come home sometime next week. Thanks for all of your prayers.
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