Don't Panic

That's what I keep repeating to myself in a mantra. Don't panic. It's always harder the closer we get to the day. Justin's going out of town tomorrow, and I want to be upbeat for him, but I'm terrified. It's hard to concentrate, hard to get anything done. Justin keeps pressing me to call my doctor's office and ask that they call me when they get the results in. However, I think I'm just going to wait until Thursday. Sure, I know it's not completely rational, but neither am I at the moment. I am desperate for these results to be good for a variety of reasons. The first, and most important, is that I want to live. I want to be through with this drama and to move on to the next drama of life. I want to remove this stress from my life and the lives of the ones I love. I am tired of being sick, tired of being out of a job. My dad's birthday is on the 7th, and I want to be able to give him good news for his birthday, especially since he's having to start his own radiation that week. I could go on and on.


I just keep praying for God to give me the strength to handle whatever comes and to have peace with that. It is hard though. We'll see.