Finding a Way to Move On

I remember when I was a teenager, young, naive, and idealistic, and totally unaware that I was any of those things. The world was my oyster, full of possibilities and hope for what would be and what could be. But now, as I round the bend toward the home stretch of my 20's, I find myself in some ways disillusioned about where my life is. The highlight of my adult life would have to be meeting and marrying my husband. There do not exist enough adjectives to fully describe how wonderful he is, how amazing just having him around is, and so I won't do myself the disservice of even trying. I am incredibly fortunate that he has taken care of me...through grad school, cancer, and now....whatever phase you call this. Maybe, picking up the pieces? Taking stock of my losses? Determining what next? His patience and understanding for me, almost inhuman really, overwhelms me if I think too deeply on it.

A year and a half into remission, I find myself both eternally grateful and shamefully bitter. I am so glad to be alive, but the devastation that cancer has wrought in my life sometimes doubles me over. My mother is gone, and now, it seems very possibly, the chance that I might some day be a mother, or at least naturally. The pain of that fact stabs and aches, moving over me in waves that rise and ebb but never fully subside. Just another one of those things that you never fully understand until you experience it. I know people say, you can have a family in other ways, and I resist the urge to lash out at them. Especially when the person proffering the kindly meant advice has their own biological 2.5 children.

I suppose I am grieving right now what might not be. Of course, then I have people who are prodding me, not so gently, to submit my PIF (a resume that gets you jobs in the Presbyterian church), and I just don't know how to explain to them that I am working stuff out with God right now, and I don't exactly feel authentic seeking a position being a pastor to others when there are so many answers I am seeking myself.

So, I am writing. I'm sure no one checks this blog anymore, so it just shoots out silently into cyberspace, and I'm ok with that. Mostly, I've decided to blog now as a daily exercise; a warm-up before I start my writing on my book. So if you are reading, hopefully I'll perk up a here in a few days. Tomorrow I plan to blog about Marla's wedding. It's way funnier than today....promise.