Should have invested in Kleenex stock

I am very happy to report that I had a wonderful trip to Texas and I was a little sad to have to return to Los Angeles, but I was glad to see Justin again. If the title of this blog didn't tip you off, I'm sick. I either caught a cold from either my sister or my husband, and the two of them have been pointing their fingers at the other one. Although, I'm pretty sure it's just a cold, after my flem turned colors I decided to go to the doctor. It's probably a good thing, because my doctor informed me that people who have just finished chemo treatments have a tendency to develop bronchitis/pneumonia faster. But I'm being aggressively treated for this gunk now, so hopefully improvement is imminent. It's definitely put a cramp in my style, though. I have spent the past three days alternating between the couch and the bed. I need to get out and get some stuff done, but I just don't feel like it.

Meanwhile, I've been spending some time pondering my own character. Have you ever acted in a way which did not flatter you? You know, those times when because of stress or exhaustion or some other extenuating circumstances leads you to act like a jerk or an idiot or a meanie. I had one of those moments last week where I acted like a jerk/brat, and I wasn't particularly proud of it. I know that I am better than that, and I hate the pain that gets caused in those particular moments. The only thing I know to do when those moments occur is to repent quickly and profusely. Ideally, those moments would never happen.

I am beginning to look for jobs and for volunteer positions, but I happen to be unemployed at a particularly difficult time. However, I think these things will turn out as they should. I am optimistic that the next time I blog, I will be less flemmy. Here's hoping.

Bittersweet leaving

My visit to Texas is slowly winding down, and I get on a plane back to Los Angeles tomorrow evening. It is a bittersweet parting from the lone star state. I miss my husband very much, but I will really miss all my family and my friends here. I manage most days back in SoCal to no think too much about how much I miss home. As I get older, my sentimentality for home grows. It's less about the particular place and more about the people. When I was younger, I never could envision moving away from home and even now I have to wrestle with the ramifications of that decision. But what's done is done, and at least I have several other trips to look forward to this year.

The wedding was great. We had a good time, and I even think that we were a little bit of help at the rehearsal dinner. It felt great to be able to help my aunt and uncle out, mostly because I remember how stressful my own wedding was. If it made their day a little easier and a little nicer, then it was a success. Carter and Kathleen are now honeymooning, and I think that they will have a lovely life together. I'm glad I got to be a witness to their nuptials.
On top of the wedding, I also got to participate a little bit in the Oak Cliff Great Banquet Men's weekend. I got to serve breakfast one morning and I got to go to closing, so that was awesome. I never get to go to any of the banquet community events unless I'm in town to work on a weekend, so that makes me super happy.

Dad's radiation is going well so far. He is already experiencing some change in his tastes which has resulted correspondingly to nausea. We are pretty sure that it's going to get tougher as the weeks go on, but I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. He's worried about business too. The economy has been hitting his business hard, as it has for many in construction and other small business owners. If you do live in Dallas and you need any work done or know of anyone who needs work done, be sure and check out his website. It is www.mcclungconstruction.net and it is a fabulous website if you are looking for someone to help with your home improvement projects. I just keep hoping and praying that business will pick up. It's just so stressful for him, and to have that in conjunction with the radiation is a lot of pressure. So keep him in your prayers also. I suppose there are many of us around who could use those prayers.

So, if I missed you in the Big D this time around, keep looking out for me. I'll be back in Dallas soon enough. If I did see you, I'm sure we had a great time. And if you're in Cali....watch out. I'm coming home.

What is normal?

The after glow of my scan results haven't quite worn off yet, but I begin to turn my mind to thoughts of, "Now what?" This has been an odyssey of doctors appointments and treatments, and now I have to think about what it means to be normal. If there really is a normal. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that it's time to think about living life after cancer. Luckily, I am blessed with the time to figure all of this out. At least until Justin kicks me out. Hopefully if I keep him happy he'll keep me around. He takes such good care of me. He's a model husband, and I'm blessed that to be married to him.

Tomorrow I head out to Dallas. There are so many things to do when I'm there and so many people to see. I haven't been home since a whirlwind trip in early September. My cousin Carter is getting married and I get to be there. I feel bad because I make it back to some events and not to others, and it's not like I'm cherry-picking which family events I'm going to attend or anything. Sometimes its easier and more affordable to get home than others. So I'll be at Carter and Kathleen's wedding. As I begin to tiptoe my way along the road of after-cancer, I'll keep you updated. Hopefully it is a long road.

Sigh of relief

Thank you, Jesus! We are still in remission. My doctor is optimistic that this might be it, and we can start counting down scans until we can use the word cure. I am so very thankful for this, for prayers and comfort, love and support. I managed not to throw up all over myself in the waiting room as I waited for my appointment earlier, and luckily I only shed a few tears. It's funny, I knew that this time was different, but all the old fears and demons kept pulling at me. Clay is right. You have to have your sure footing before the storm hits, because you're up a creek with a paddle if you don't.

I wish I had more eloquent things to say, but I really feel exhausted emotionally. I'll blog more later.

Don't Panic

That's what I keep repeating to myself in a mantra. Don't panic. It's always harder the closer we get to the day. Justin's going out of town tomorrow, and I want to be upbeat for him, but I'm terrified. It's hard to concentrate, hard to get anything done. Justin keeps pressing me to call my doctor's office and ask that they call me when they get the results in. However, I think I'm just going to wait until Thursday. Sure, I know it's not completely rational, but neither am I at the moment. I am desperate for these results to be good for a variety of reasons. The first, and most important, is that I want to live. I want to be through with this drama and to move on to the next drama of life. I want to remove this stress from my life and the lives of the ones I love. I am tired of being sick, tired of being out of a job. My dad's birthday is on the 7th, and I want to be able to give him good news for his birthday, especially since he's having to start his own radiation that week. I could go on and on.


I just keep praying for God to give me the strength to handle whatever comes and to have peace with that. It is hard though. We'll see.

Standing tall

I just got home a couple of minutes ago from my latest PET scan, and I can give people this advice. If you're ever going to have one, go sleepy. If you're lucky, like I was today, you'll be able to doze off during the scan and that makes it go much faster. Before I dozed off, I mused about the similarities between the scanner tube and the beginning of the Space Mountain ride. If you've never ridden space mountain, the roller coaster begins by ascending up the tracks through a tube illuminated by lights that circle the circumference of the tube. It's supposed to make you feel like you are being warped into space and it is frankly quite fun. So too does the scanner have a tube and spinning lights...but if you look into the light of the laser it will burn your retina, so that is highly not recommended. In other words, if you have a choice between the two, choose Space Mountain.

I titled the blog "Standing Tall," because my urge was to really name it "Fetal Position." My natural human inclination would be to curl up in a fetal position out of fear of my scan results. I know that there are better odds that it is going to be ok, but I am scared. I am trying not to panic. I just kept praying the whole time I was laying there waiting for my scan as the radioactive sugar ran through my veins. It's done though. Afterward I broke my fast at Panera, looking like a refugee. I was basically wearing PJ's and a skull cap, and it drew a little attention from the retired breakfasters that inhabit Panera at 9AM. The stares sometimes bother me, but to tell the truth I felt like a refugee. I felt like a refugee of the cancer war....bruised, scarred, but not broken. Walking through the restaurant, it's hard to relate to the people nonchalantly eating their bagels while I am erstwhile wondering whether the test I just took will tell us that I am cancerous or cancer free. It's one of those moments when I feel very isolated.

It probably didn't help that I stayed up last night and watched an episode of "Private Practice," in which one of the main story lines was about a girl who was dying of non-hodgkins lymphoma. I kept telling myself, that has nothing to do with you. You have hodgkin's lymphoma. You have good odds. You are going to survive this thing. But still, I would be a liar if I didn't say I was afraid.

Life is often about choices, and so today I will choose not to curl up in a fetal position, but instead will stand tall and live my life as if everything is going to be fine. I've got things to do, and a life to lead. While I don't know, I will assume the best. And that's all I have to say about that.

Resolve

As Lent began today on Ash Wednesday, which just happened to also be Justin's birthday I found myself contemplating my life. It's understandable, what with blood work tomorrow and PET scan on Friday. But after doing our devotional today, I decided that much of the time I've been spending lately on introspection and worry has been in many ways hindering my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against one being self-aware but there can come a point when it simply becomes indulgent. You can contemplate and fret and worry about your life and it's meaning and your hopes and fears to some extent, but at some point it becomes idolatry. It becomes a distraction from turning one's eyes, heart and mind to God. So I am giving it up. I am turning all of this over to God's hands, (in my human arrogance I sometimes forget that it was already there), and am turning my brain off.

I hate to announce my instinct with this whole thing, mostly because I hate looking the fool. My instinct, my gut feeling, is that this scan will be clear. But, if I say that out loud and I turn out to be wrong, I look like an idiot. But again, in the spirit of the Lenten season, which moves towards renewal and resurrection, I am casting off my pride and fear of foolishness. I think that I am going to be ok. There. I said it. And I suppose that one way or another I will be.

So, again, I will simply solicit your prayers. I will be in the scanner around 9 AM Pacific time (11 central), so if you've got some time on Friday, pray for me.