Nobody ever expects the spanish inquisition

You got to know something is up when the blog has the above title. We have a small hitch in the stem cell transplant get-a-long, if you will. This includes a quasi-long explanation, so bear with me.

As my regular readers know, I had to give a bone marrow sample a couple of weeks ago, and from that they ran a battery of tests. The tests showed negative for any cancer, and then there were three tests they did to test the molecular structure of the cells. Turns out, high dose chemotherapy can damage the bone marrow, to the point of which they can't do a stem cell transplant. That's because it is the bone marrow that produces the stem cells, and the damaged bone marrow can make stem cells which are chromosomally abnormal. They did three particular tests in relation to that, and they looked at 20 cells in each test. In the first two tests, everything was completely normal. On the third test, there were 17 normal cells and 3 abnormal ones. My two oncologists, one of which is the head of the lymphoma department, felt that there was no need for concern and were ready to proceed. However, upon presenting my three measly wonky cells to the transplant committee it was decided that I should have another bone marrow sample taken just to make sure. So, either tomorrow or Wednesday I am going to go and get my third, yes, third bone marrow sample taken. The good news is that the transplant nurse doesn't think that there is anything to worry about, and that good chances are that I will still get the transplant. Moral of the story: Don't count your chickens until they're hatched. Or, better yet, Don't count your transplant until it's transplanted.

I am exhausted emotionally from my bone marrow/stem cell roller coaster I've been on today. But I think I am struggling even more so with how I reacted in the first place to the news. I realized that I still struggle with my nature to try and figure things out. I was so happy last week, because I had everything figured out. I knew the stem cell transplant was a go, and I thought that this had a pretty good chance of cure, so I was planning at least the next three months out. Then, wham, I am reminded a little harshly that I am not in control of my life. Heck, 3 of my tiny cells have more control right now than I do. It would be so much more comfortable to know all the answers, but I can't and I would be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't afraid. Although it is difficult, I have to give all this over to God and let Him carry it because I sure the heck can't. So, all of my prayer warriors out there, you know what to do. Please pray that this next bone marrow sample looks ok, and that I might still be eligible for the transplant. And please, pray for some peace and comfort for Justin and me.